Understanding and navigating grief and loss

When a child or young person becomes seriously unwell or injured, it can bring about a sense of grief and loss - not only for them, but for their parents and carers too.

These feelings are usually in response to the many changes in the child’s health, the experience of being in hospital, and the disruption to everyday routines and family life.

What are some reasons my child might experience grief?

For children and young people who are seriously unwell or injured, the loss and grief they experience may be caused by:

• time away from friends
• missing school
• reduced mobility
• reduced independence
• missing out on activities they enjoy.

What are some tips to support my child?

1. Create a safe space for them to express their feelings
   Encourage your child to express their feelings in a way that feels comfortable for them. This might include talking to you or another adult, making art, or spending time in nature.
2. Maintain a routine where possible
   Routines can provide children with comfort and certainty, so where possible, maintain a reliable routine.
3. Be direct and age appropriate

Allow your child to ask questions and provide simple, clear and honest answers. Avoid euphemisms and use language that your child will understand so they know what is happening and feel reassured.

What about grief and loss experienced by parents?

For parents and carers there can be many layers of loss - such as stepping away from work, spending less time with other family members and friends, or adapting to the demands of hospital stays and ongoing care.

There may also be a deeper kind of loss that many parents speak about - the loss of what they once imagined for their child’s future. This might include milestones they had looked forward to, hopes and dreams they had held, or even shifts in how they connect with their child. These losses can be re-experienced across the child’s lifetime and is often referred to as chronic sorrow.

Loss and grief like this don’t follow a timeline. There is no clear end point, and many families find themselves adjusting and re-adjusting to managing these feelings over time.

For families whose child has died, the loss and grief is immeasurable. Many bereaved parents reflect on how their grief is often further complicated by others not truly understanding what they experienced when their child was unwell, or what they are now going through.

It is common that friends and family may not know how to provide support or feel that they don’t know what to say. They may at times think they are protecting family members by not talking about the child who has died, out of fear of causing more pain. But what we hear from bereaved parents is this - their child is always on their mind. Being able to speak about them - their name, their personality, the memories, and the love is incredibly important. It helps keep their child’s memory alive and strengthens the continuing bond with their child.

It is important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all respond to loss in our own way. Some people may feel more comfortable keeping their feelings private, while others express them more openly. Each are simply responding to loss in the way that feels right for them.

Here are five helpful tips:

1. Honour your emotions.
   Realise that feelings come, whether we like it or not. It can be helpful to allow yourselves to feel your emotions, and then let them pass. Looking into some ‘mindfulness’ techniques may help with this.
2. Be gentle with yourself.
   Lower your expectations on yourself throughout this time. You cannot rush yourself to “feel better” or “get back on track”. Your processing and healing will happen at its own pace.
3. Move your body.
   Gentle and regular exercise has been proven to have positive impacts on your physical health and your emotional and psychological wellbeing.
4. Understand differences.
   Your experience of grief and loss may be quite different to your partner’s or your child’s and this is ok. There is no “right” way to grieve, and every individual will choose their own way. Your grief may be expressed through focusing on practical tasks, through expression of emotion, through talking with others, through choosing alone time; all of these are okay.
5. Seek support.
   Look out for friends, family and community members (such as your GP) who know how to meet you where you are at and are keen to learn how to best support you. You may also choose to access professional support from a trained Social Worker or Psychologist.

Further support

Children’s Health Queensland Bereavement Service offers connections, guidance, information and resources for bereaved family members, their community of support and professionals who care for them.