When your child experiences a serious injury, illness or health condition, looking after your own mental health and wellbeing can easily move to the bottom of the list.
Your child may be going through treatment, rehabilitation or adjusting to life with new challenges. For some families, this follows a serious injury such as a brain injury where recovery and the future can be difficult to predict.
You may also be trying to balance demands of work, other children and everyday family life. It’s natural for your attention to be focused on your child. But ignoring your own needs isn’t always the best choice. You can only take good care of others if you are taking care of yourself.
“Parents and carers can sometimes feel like they need to stay strong for everyone else,” Queensland Children’s Hospital advanced social worker, Alana English, notes. “But looking after yourself is not selfish. It’s an important part of being there for your child and your family.”
So, what does that look like? Supporting your mental health while caring for your child isn’t as hard as you might think. Remember these simple rules to re-fill your self-care cup.
1. There is no right way to respond to trauma
There is no ‘right’ way for you or your child to respond when they experience a serious injury, illness or health condition. You might feel shocked, frightened, angry or overwhelmed. Or you might feel surprisingly calm and focused on what needs to happen next.
Some parents go into ‘survival mode’, focusing on medical information, appointments and their child’s immediate needs.
“Your feelings might also surface later. You may initially focus on managing the tasks of the crisis and find these feelings become more present once your child is stable, you leave hospital or you need to manage everyday life. There is no timeline for how you should feel or when you should feel it,” Alana said.
2. Don’t wait until you’re struggling to ask for help
Mental health support isn’t only for when things reach crisis point. You can talk about how yours, your child’s and other family members’ mental health and wellbeing at any stage of your child’s treatment or rehabilitation.
You don’t need to have a diagnosed mental health condition or feel that you’re ‘not coping’ to benefit from support. Sometimes having somewhere to process what has happened, ask questions or talk about what you’re thinking and feeling can help.
“Getting support early can give parents and carers a safe space to talk through what they’re experiencing before things become overwhelming,” she said.
3. Small actions can make a big difference
Looking after yourself can feel difficult when so much of your time and energy is focused on your child. It doesn’t have to mean taking hours away from them. It might be:
- eating a proper meal and drinking enough water
- stepping outside or going for a short walk
- resting when you have the opportunity
- calling someone you trust
- doing something you enjoy for 15 minutes
- giving yourself a break from thinking or talking about your child's injury.
“You may feel guilty taking time for yourself. But caring for yourself doesn’t mean you’re putting your child’s needs second. If everything feels overwhelming, choose one small thing you can do for yourself today,” Alana said.
4. Let people help – and tell them what you need
Friends and family often want to help but may not know what would actually make a difference.
“People often say, ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do,’ but it can be hard to know what to ask for,” she said.
“If you can, think about the practical things that are taking up your energy and let someone else take one of those things off your plate – like making dinner, buying groceries, mowing the lawn, taking another child to school.”
It’s also okay to set boundaries. You don’t have to say yes to every visitor, answer every message or provide everyone with individual updates. Sometimes saying ‘not today’ is also a way of looking after yourself.
5. Remember that everyone responds differently
You and your partner or other family members may respond very differently to what has happened.
One person may want to talk. Another may focus on practical tasks. Someone may need time alone, while someone else wants people around them.
Different doesn’t mean wrong. Try to tell each other what you need rather than assuming other people will know or expecting them to express their thoughts and feelings in the same way you do.
“Looking after your mental health can also look different for different people. Talking may help you, or you may prefer exercise, time alone, practical support or connecting with someone who has been through something similar,” Alana said.
6. Stay connected
A serious illness or injury can affect the whole family. Your routines and relationships may change, and you may have less time and energy for the people and activities that would normally support you.
Try to hold onto small moments of connection where you can. That might mean talking with your partner at the end of the day, spending a few minutes one-on-one with another child or catching up with a friend.
Connecting with other parents who have experienced something similar can also help. Peer support can provide an opportunity to talk with people who understand some of what you’re experiencing without needing everything explained.
7. Keep checking in with yourself
Your mental health needs are likely to change throughout your child’s recovery.
You may respond a certain way while your child is in hospital and find things more challenging once you’re home. New challenges or transitions – such as your child returning to school, starting high school or changing friendships, or you returning to work – can also bring up certain feelings that you haven’t experienced for some time.
Ask yourself from time to time: How am I going? What am I finding difficult? What is working well? What would make things a little easier right now?
“If something feels harder at a later stage, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed or gone backwards. Families continue to adjust as their child grows and circumstances change, and it’s okay for your support needs to change too,” Alana said.
Where to get support
You don’t have to manage everything alone. Talk to your friends and family, especially other friends who have been through similar experiences and your child’s healthcare or rehabilitation team about how you’re feeling and what support is available. This may include a social worker, psychologist, neuropsychologist or another mental health professional.
Helpful resources
- Dear Mind (initiatives.qld.gov.au)
- Parents: looking after yourself | Raising Children Network
- 5 Types of Self-Care for Every Area of Your Life (verywellmind.com)
- Importance-of-selfcare-planning.pdf (blackdoginstitute.org.au)
For families navigating life after a brain injury, our Beyond a Brain Injury podcast shares one family’s experience alongside practical insights from health professionals about mental health, recovery and adjustment.