Dalya (bereaved mother of Ben)

Time and milestones can become profound and often surreal experiences for a parent who has lost a child. Once upon a time, my life was mapped around the school terms and holidays. All this changed one night in September 2017.

Time seemed to work differently after that night. One minute we were heading into the last term of school, and the holidays were fast approaching, the next, time stood still and didn’t follow the same logic that everyone else’s clocks and calendars did.

I speak to many bereaved parents and there is a common theme, time ‘before child’ and time ‘after child’.

After a while my once ‘school year’ became sectioned out, Ben’s birthday in July, his anniversary in September, and then navigating the end of the year and the dreaded 25th December. Previously I had taken comfort knowing that whatever the year had been like, January would bring with it a fresh start with new experiences. Now it also came with the realisation that another 12 months had gone by. It was and still is a sharp reminder of how much longer I have been living without Ben.

To another bereaved parent, this may sound familiar. We can often forget that just as we track the weeks, months, and pivotal moments throughout the calendar year, our young people do as well.

Moving towards the end of the year can be incredibly challenging for a young person who has lost someone they love.

It has been four years now that Ben’s friends have had to navigate their lives without him. His circle has all since graduated and many have moved on to the next phase of their lives. Others, not so much … and some are still trying to figure it all out.

I am told with each milestone, comes thoughts of their buddy who they were supposed to be sharing the next stage of life with. Driver’s licences, formals, exams, and graduations come and go and yet there seems to be a perpetually vacant chair, and emotional gap, where their friend’s absence is forever noticed.

As we approach the silly season it is also a time for reflection and often planning for the year ahead. The young people feel the same.

I asked, ‘how do you navigate the holidays when you’re sad or ruminating?’.

The end of the year traditionally marks a special time for families to gather and spend time with each other. It is the time to set a place for those who have passed and remember them with love.

Having many friends between the age of 18 and 24, I am reminded that while this is an impossible time of year for me, and one that is consistently in my face – think social media, Christmas junk mail, packed shopping centres, festive decorations etc., the kids are feeling it just as intensely.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. Your success rate for getting through tough times so far is 100% and I am here to tell you, you can get through this too!

As we approach the end of the year and think about enduring connections present and passed, and those we are yet to meet in the future, remember to be kind to yourself. You do you! And just be however you need to be.

As you move through the next few weeks, take a moment to check in with siblings and friends of your child. Like us, they feel a huge appreciation from receiving a quick message or note of love.

And when all is said and done, remember our relationships don’t end when our children die, they just continue in a very different form.

And if the time comes and you need permission, here it is. If you choose it to be, December 25th can be just another Saturday.

Stay safe, much love x